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COLUMN 19: I’M HERE.

Just how exactly did I come to find myself squatting in someone’s disaster counting their rolls of toilet paper? This certainly wasn’t anything I imagined for my future when I lay in bed, staring up at the constellation of glow-in-the dark-stars that spattered my teenaged skies. At the very least, the doors my little golden Phi Beta Kappa key were going to open weren’t supposed to be X’ed with yellow caution tape and kicked in with my own foot…

read more of the article at

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/column-19-im-here

TOTAL LOSS: A COLUMN ABOUT INVENTORYING OTHER PEOPLE’S TRAGEDIES

TOTAL LOSS: A COLUMN ABOUT INVENTORYING OTHER PEOPLE’S TRAGEDIES

BY 

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Stef Willen works for the leading West Coast natural disaster company. Her thorough inventory of everything in a burned-down home or business helps owners receive fair settlements from their insurance company. She planned on doing it for a couple of months. Then a couple more. Then maybe long enough to write a book about it. Now it’s what she does, and she gets a decent paycheck if someone’s charred dwelling is at least 3,500 square feet. If they are a clinical hoarder, she doesn’t have to work for the rest of the month.

How To Prevent Asexual Assault

1. If someone is invading your space with a complete lack of sexuality, remember your elbow is the strongest point on your body. Use it!

 

2. Trust your gut. If you cannot imagine someone doing unspeakable things to you, NEVER let them into your car.

 

3. If someone who is happiest alone comes along and makes you feel uncomfortable, hold your hand in a stop position, scream “NO!” and back away.

 

4. When someone asks to borrow your pen, and you cannot place them on the sexual continuum, DO NOT hand them your pen. Instead, throw it on the ground and ask them to pick it up.

 

5. AVOID HANGING OUT IN BUSHES where individuals who reproduce by cell division, spore formation, fission and budding are likely to hide.

 

6. If you think you are being followed by someone who has no desire to have sex with you,WALK BRISKLY TO A THRIFT STORE, buy a sheer crop top, then step out and confront your assailant head on by turning your cheek and biting your lower lip.

 

7. Before leaving a party with someone you just met or don’t know well, make certain they are not an amoeba.

 

8. Never drink from an open container or punch bowl held by someone wearing an “Asexuals Party Hardest” T-shirt.

 

9. Understand that agreeing to go back to someone’s place can indicate a willingness to play Bananagrams so have the forethought to DRINK HEAVILY AND DRESS PROVOCATIVELY.

 

10. When a person attempts to tell you they are living happily and sexlessly ever after, force yourself to vomit on them. Remember you are the victim. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Stuff I Overheard and Jotted Down With a Giant Pencil

Tranny At Lucy’s Laundry Mart, Sunset Blvd.:

“I’m going to stop by West Hollywood for a little while, maybe make some money, then stop by a bar and have a drink, then maybe go home and make some dinner.”
Sales Woman at a Chevron Station, Redding, CA:
 
” ‘K, I’m gonna go smoke, an after that, I’m gonna cut meat, an after that, I’m gonna go home.”

If somebody would please let ME write the elevator warning sign.

If elevator doors fail to open, do not become alarmed. It’s pretty unlikely that you will run out of air or are stuck in here with a someone who’s never had the opportunity to act out their bloodlust. Chances are also slim that this elevator will start dropping uncontrollably. Simply keep ignoring the other person (or persons) in here with you and frantically press the button. Then say “Shit! Fuck!” when you realize you’ve been pressing the 4 button, not the Alarm button. Calmly begin repeatedly pressing the Alarm button. Now, look over your shoulder and exchange frantic expressions with the others–your shared trauma now makes it socially acceptable to acknowledge their existence. Next, step away from the Alarm button and allow someone else to violently stab at it since they can probably do it better. If you are pregnant, now would be a good time for your water to break. If you’re a complete asshole with anger issues, and your monster only stays bound by societal constraints if your excursions into the world are brief and unruffled, then start coming undone in an alarming way that no one else can relate to (even though they are also trapped in an elevator). See that woman in the corner crying and hugging herself? Tell her she’s making everything a thousand times worse. When she starts to cry even harder, shriek that no man could ever love her. Next, notice that everyone is now staring at you in various states of petrification and raise your arms above your head and begin thrashing them around as if you are grabbing invisible things and really trashing the place. Once you tire, retreat to a corner, slowly slide down it until you hit the floor of the elevator you are trapped in with a limited amount of oxygen, splay your legs straight out in front of you, and stare at everyone with an eery tranquility. If you are everyone else, pack yourselves like sardines in the opposite corner and direct your gaze at your shoes. Help is on the way.
 

A Man Who Is Not Old Or Young Watches TV

After his wife has gone to bed, the man who is not old or young pours himself a shot of the good stuff and tracks a little bit of mud into the living room, but he’ll hear about that tomorrow morning. Before then, he decides to see if there’s anything about dinosaurs on TV. Of course there’s something about dinosaurs on TV! And when some long-haired paleontologist is talking about how a giant asteroid crashed into the Yucatan 65 million years ago creating a globe-spanning debris cloud that killed off the dinosaurs but started life as we know it, the man who is not old or young can’t help but think about how all the cataclysmic events in his own life never really changed anything too much. Getting a degree, getting an advanced degree, getting married, having children, having children leave home, having an RV and being mostly retired; none of this ever started his “life” as he knew it.

December 21st Observations

My dad stepped on the dog’s squeak toy today and said “Oh, jeez-US!”

He is now officially old.
The other day, he waved to me from down the street.
He was wearing a flannel shirt tucked into his jeans, and he was trying to tell me ‘Over here
is where I’m parked. Come get in the car.’
I looked at him standing there under a tree, one hand in the air, and I got sad thinking about how
one day this stupid scenario will be impossible.