Category Archives: Fartsy

Advanced Problems

1) Sally is playing with toothpicks. Wait, why?
2) If Jim’s penis is four inches long, and he leaves the train station at exactly 4:30 p.m., how many marbles does it take?

3) Mr. Walters plants 42 tulip bulbs in a five foot by 7 foot rectangular garden every spring. Every day after the first day of spring, his dog, Paco, immediately digs up 30% of the flower bed. How many bulbs does Mr. Walters have to replant before he looks up and realizes he’s alone?

4) Carol and Pam have been living together for exactly five years. Why don’t they love each other in equal amounts?

Around Your 30th Birthday

Around your 30th birthday

you will discover that your body

is not a temple.

 

It’s a den

full of predators.

And you’ll be trying

to make friends with them

the rest of your life.

 

Or, at least, trying to keep

them in a deep sleep

by sneaking quietly around

yourself

With Xanax and alcohol.

Maybe This Is Something

A young girl is systematically tearing the fur off her plastic pony leaving it a cheap looking black plastic mold of a pony.  She is at the DMV, seated a row in front of me and four chairs to the left. The horse was chestnut roan with a black mane and tail. Her father keeps getting up from his chair and pacing around and her mother is reading something. The girl only has the head left to do, but it looks like it’s going to be hard because there are too many small contours to really get a good tear going.

Totals

Whenever anyone I love dies

I stop and stare at the ground
and try to figure out a pattern.
How long I do this
depends on how much I love them.
Once, someone I really really loved died,
–That’s it. I said my goodbyes. I said my hellos. That’s it.–
and I was trying to figure out
how many total squares some triangles could make
when a woman wearing a tracksuit and big shiny hoop earrings
pushed her grocery cart into my ass and said,
Honey, either move forward or back.

One Definition Of Loneliness

One definition of loneliness

is learning that your favorite author,

the one you really understand,

the one you’re sure would’ve really gotten you,

the one that took your stupid happiness and your boring depression

and made you underline it — even put a star or exclamation point next to it —

killed himself because he decided it wasn’t worth it.

 

His death turned a great writer into just a dead body in an instant

but was recorded as approximately

between the middle of September and October

 

because no one called or came over.

He rotted in front of a window for weeks

until a police man found him.

 

Lonely Woman Transcribes Things She Hears A Lonelier Woman Say To Her Pomeranians

Get out here! You want to go for a walk? You want to or not?

 

Don’t you dare pee there! Bad doggie!!! You’re not…you’re not….you’re not paying attention to your mom!

 

Mama says you’ve been a bad boy. Come on, Honey. We’ve got stuff to do out here.

 

Where are my fucking papers. I can’t fucking find anything. I HATE MY LIFE!!!

 

C’mon Sadie, Isis, Elmo; let’s get this over with.

 

You wanna spank? Mamma’s gonna spank her little girl. No barksies!

 

Holy cow! I gotta open all those packages….see what I ordered. Usual thing — I get all the presents, give ‘em away. Nobody gets me anything. Wow. C’mon, get in here, Sadie.

 

Sadie, quit! Someone’s going to end up with a big spanking. You know that, big boy? C’mon, let’s gosies.

 

Don’t stop at that corner cause I told you before, you’re going to get hurt. Fucking damn fool!

 

 

 

Funerals For Dummies

Do you have the ashes?

Yes…No! I grabbed…wait, which Whole Foods bag are they in?
Hold on, this is the wrong one.
Okay, here she is. Oh, here she is…….
A Stellars Jay lands on a bush, a car honks
Everyone goes to the bird feeder, so does the Stellars Jay
Is the camera on?
Yes, of course! He says irritated.
Well, it looks like you might have a branch in your way.
She says slowly.
I don’t! He says, having been married to her for 40 years.
There is a branch.
She puts her hands inside and feels the small plastic bag.
Undoes the twist tie. Looks at the ground beneath the feeder.
Her mother had laid her in her arms, took her to the doctor everyday to see if it was polio and if it would go away,
braided her hair. Here was: birdseed, cracked mud,
and was that dog poop five feet away?
She loved birds. Remember how much she loved birds?
She puts her hands into… ground up shells?
She brings it up to her face.
He has the lens cap on.
Hold on a sec…Okay, whoops. He frowns at the camera.
What do you mean “Whoops”?! This is my Mother!! Oh Gawd…….
Well, hold on, Jeez. I’m sorry, damnit!
How do you turn this thing on?
She loved birds. Remember how much she loved birds?
What do you mean you “How do you turn it on!!!”
Okay, got it! Ready?
What!….On three?!
The bird has left the feeder. A feather fell off on it’s way to the bush, but nothing else too bad happened.
One. Two. Three. They finally both say, mad and sad and a little loud.
Grey dust flies in the air. She remembers a picture of her
as a toddler in Germany in tall boots you had to lace with hook.
Dust.
She looks down at the dry ground below the feeder, where all
the birds she had loved so much all her life fed from,
and the dust seemed to have disappeared.
Maybe some was on her lip.
Then her husband, unwittingly starting the next stage of their lives,
said: Wait a sec, why is this flashing?
She, feeling abandoned (in so many ways!!) suggested calling the kids.